Writing this feels funny, because anyone whoās reading this has already seen this on my social media, but Iāve documented some of my journey of the last year in this space, so it feels like I need to finish it off. And after this, Iām not quite sure what to do with this newsletter/blog/whatever the hell we call these things these days.
To be clear, it is essential to have a newsletter as an author! Like, definitely #2 in the Top Ten Rulebook for Authors, after #1, write books. But most author newsletters are short and to the point and like, here, buy my book. Hereās a picture of my cat. Have a nice day. And this Substack has beenā¦not that. I have likely shared more than Iām supposed to share; some of my past entries rambled quite a bit and really didnāt have a point.
Butā¦itās also probably not even possible for me to write a āhere buy my book have a nice dayā newsletter, because I am me (although I can definitely share more photos of my cat), so I donāt know! Weāll approach that cliff when we get to it!
What Iām here to say is that I have a book deal. I actually found out I had a book deal back in June, I think, and I have been waiting to officially announce that little screen cap aboveāthe Publishers Marketplace screen cap is THE DREAMāever since then. After you get the Publishers Marketplace screen cap, you can add your book to your Twitter bio. You can say, to anyoneāyour family and friends, strangers on the street, old high school nemesesāIām going to be a published author. (I do not have high school nemeses, I am not that interesting, but that is definitely something you can do after the screen cap.)
And of course, the day I could actually post the screen cap went nothing like I planned. I had planned to take the day off of work, post my carefully crafted series of tweets, and do nothing but sit on my ass and check my notifications while eating ice cream, the sweet taste of victory every writer who has ever thought I mean I am really just a sorry piece of shit over and over deserves. You have to take your wins when you get them.
But I should have expected announcement day wouldnāt go like I planned. For posterity, letās document what I was doing during every important benchmark in my last writing year.
Got an email from Meryl & Rosie asking me to send them my full manuscript for Pitch Wars: sitting in the Taco Bell drive-thru lane
Got tagged on Twitter by Meryl, announcing that they had selected me as their mentee for Pitch Wars 2019: wandering 7-11 in search of cheap wine
Okay, I actually canāt remember where I was or what I was doing when I accepted Kimās offer of representation. That was a very blurry time. But I would not be surprised if I was, again, at Taco Bell.
Both emails I received from Kim earlier this summer about possible deals came at more normal, less embarrassing times, but each one felt like a surprise. Querying for an agent, and then waiting to hear from your agent while being on sub, both consist of a horrible, self-damaging game of checking your email way more times in a single day than you would ever care to admit, and sort of getting used to nothing changing, ever, but like an addict, you need to keep checking anyway, and then suddenly something justā¦CHANGES, like thereās actually an email, and it actually has good news, and it never feels real.
The first good email from Kim, after several rejections from other publishers, was from a publisher I love and the editor loved my book and there was talk of marketing plans and that was when my heart started to beat out of my chest because, holy forkballs, WHAT. And then Kim said, letās see if anyone else still on our list offers, too, weāll give them a deadline. And I was like haha, okay. And then I woke up one morning with details of the above deal, and I thought, wow, Junessa, well thatās the prettiest name Iāve ever heard, and then I emailed Kim back and said āThis said three books. Does this mean I get to write three books?ā And she said yes and then, in my head, I fainted, but in actuality I just got up and went to work. But I have been pretty much fainting in my head ever since then.
The space between when you get an offer and when you get to post that Publishers Marketplace screen cap varies widely, like everything in publishing. One author I follow just got to announce her deal after waiting a YEAR! O N E Y E A R. Another fellow Pitch Wars mentee got news of her YA deal this summer and then got to announce it the next week and I was like EXCUSE ME! But jk because it was very exciting and I love her very much but yes I was also a little jealous. Because even though I had received the most amazing news of my life, and I knew it was real because it came with numbers and legal words I didnāt understand, as the weeks went by I got caught in this weird state of anxiety where I felt like more of a fraud than ever. We couldnāt land on a better title (the one in the announcement will likely change) and I was like what if they realize I am actually really bad at this and drop me, or what if Iāve spent the last few months drafting Book 2 and Forever actually HATES IT (still a legitimate fear), and what if I announce and immediately get cancelled because my Twitter bio says she/her and London uses they/them and I just really think Iām going to get cancelled, and what if this whole last year was just a fever dream and maybe I should check myself in somewhere? (This is not me being glib, I very much wondered this.)
Luckily, my day job was wildly busy over the last month and it really did distract me from checking my email too much every dayāevery step of the way in publishing, the reason why you are checking your inbox a truly ridiculous number of times changes, but youāre still doing itābut then Kim said she was submitting the information to Publishers Marketplace. THE SCREEN CAP. So I kept refreshing that morning, to see if my name was actually there, but some other personās deal kept showing at the top of the screen, and then I realized that my state is on fire and, actually, the fire is like, really close to us and we might have to evacuate? And we made a plan on where we would go if we had to, and what we would take with us if we had toāI only cried once, when I realized I wouldnāt be able to take the cabinet my grandpa builtāand then I had to pick up our kiddo early from daycare, because the daycare ownerās house had just been moved to a Level 2 evacuation zone and she actually did have to pack. And then I forgot to check my email, or go back to the Publishers Marketplace page, because I was making my kid chicken nuggets and trying to find the best sites with fire and evacuation zone trackers but they all kept crashing.
And then I finally sat down a few hours later and checked my email and there it was, and Kim was asking, do you want me to post it or do you want to? And I was like oh crap oh crap, so I posted it with like, half of the words I had originally planned to post it withāin my head I had planned this big tribute to Corey Alexander, a super important part of the non-binary and queer romance community (and disabled romance community and Jewish and mental health romance community and so many other things) who tragically died this summer, with links of places to donate in their honor. But instead I just posted it without even really knowing what I was saying and then I tried to keep up with the notifications and it was A Day.
Just like with the Pitch Wars showcase, it was this big whirlwind of attention and I couldnāt believe some of it but now my adrenalineās calmed a little, and itās back to me just being me, ready to plunk around in my Docs again, typing words without trying to overthink the fact that other people are going to read and criticize them and maybe, hopefully, even like them.
And for once, Iām not checking my email a million times a day, and thatās the greatest gift of all. Iām still waiting on the next thing, of courseāmy first real edit letter, which will actually kick off the next chapter in this journeyāso Iām definitely still checking it, but everything thatās happened over the last year feels real now. Like, you got that screen cap, Anita. You can breathe, for a little bit.
Mainly, I feel lucky. Getting published involves hard work and talent, sure, but so much of it is luck. That you happen to like writing something thatās marketable and on trend. That your manuscript landed in someoneās inbox on a good day. That kind people chose to believe in you.
Now I feel like something that Iāve always done just because I wanted to, and sometimes because I needed to, is now an honor, with a responsibility to get it right. Only a small portion of writers get that screen cap. And I donāt want to mess it up. I write rom-coms; Iām not changing the world here or anything, but itās still a responsibility. A responsibility to entertain and to comfort. I haven't seen blue sky in days. When the smoke clears in Oregon, there are going to be bodies found who never get to see blue sky again. I donāt know when I get to see my students in person again. Most of me thinks that enough good people will show up in November to vote out evil, but other parts of me arenāt so sure, and I havenāt been truly able to engage with any political story, no matter how shocking, in months, because my body literally canāt handle it anymore. The most popular author in the world is now getting paid to spew misguided, despicable hatred based on the oldest, most hurtful tropes and I donāt know how to deal with that.
It means a lot to me to be able to entertain and comfort.
While Iāve waited for the screen cap, Iāve had some really helpful and thoughtful feedback from beta readers on both the rough draft of Book 2 (Ben & Lex) and the beginning of Book 3 (Julie & Elle). All of their suggestions are going to make my plot and pacing and stakes better, but the thing that has been sticking most in my heart is that in the feedback, two different people said reading my work felt like a hug.
Can you even imagine a better compliment?
We are in such desperate need of hugs. So many of my favorite books feel like hugs. I know Iām not perfect and that some people are going to be mad at me. In particular, I know that some people in the queer and non-binary/trans community will feel like I didnāt get the representation right, that I did something wrong. I promise to listen if I mess up.
But if whenever my books are out there in the world, in 2022 and beyond, if they feel like hugs to even a few more people, all of the hours spent refreshing my inbox will be so worth it.
Thanks for being with me on this journey.
xo
Anita